Healthy Grief, Unhealthy Grief

We all know that it is in one’s highest good to grieve the loss of a relationship. Healthy grief releases feelings rather than allowing them to get stuck in the body. Healthy grief allows the griever to heal the loss and move on with life.

Yet grief is not always healing. Many of us have known people who were stuck in their grief, seemingly locked into the past and unable to move forward in their lives.

What is the difference between those who feel their grief and move on and those who get stuck in it? The difference lies in what they believe they have lost. When people believe they have lost their source of love, their grief will feel unending.

Gary had been in a three-year relationship with Samantha when Samantha decided to end the relationship. Gary was devastated. In this relationship, like in his past relationships, Gary was a taker – always trying to get love but unable to give love or share love. Samantha gave him a lot of love, but she often felt very lonely with him. Gary was devastated when she left because his source of love was gone. He was not grieving the loss of Samantha as a person he loved. He was grieving the loss of her love for him. He was grieving as a lost wounded child rather than as a loving adult.

As a result, Gary became stuck in his grief. He was stuck in feeling like a victim – stuck in “poor me.” Gary had never done the inner work to develop an adult part of himself that could bring love to himself and share it with others. He felt lost, abandoned, and hurt. No matter how much he cried, no healing occurred. Because he was abandoning himself, he just continued to feel alone and despairing. Sometimes he was angry at Samantha for abandoning him and other times he was angry at himself for not being a better partner. He had many regrets that plagued him, and a constant inner refrain was, “If only I had……” “If only I had listened to her more, maybe she wouldn’t have left.” If only I had told her how beautiful she is, maybe she wouldn’t have left.”

Frank, on the other hand, was in deep grief over the death of his beloved wife, Beth. He had loved Beth with his whole heart and he missed her terribly. Yet Frank’s grief was totally different than Gary’s grief. Frank missed Beth’s laugh. He missed her joy, her caring for people, her sense of wonder. He missed her as a person, and he missed being able to share his love with her. Frank had no regrets because he had not been a taker. He had loved Beth totally and was deeply grateful for the time he had with her. But Frank was actually fine. His grief came in waves, and he cried when it came. Then it washed through and he was fine again.

Frank was fine because Beth had not been the source of his sense of self. Frank had a strong loving inner adult who was connected with a spiritual source of love and wisdom. This was his Source, not Beth. Frank was a person who took full responsibility for his own pain and joy. He had never made Beth responsible for his feelings or his wellbeing.
Because he had never abandoned himself, he could miss Beth and grieve for her without feeling abandoned, lost, victimized and alone.

Gary, on the other hand, was not fine, no matter how much sadness he released, because Samantha had been his Source of love, his Higher Power. He had handed to her the job of defining his sense of self, so when she left, all he could feel was abandoned. Gary had handed his Inner Child – his feeling self – to Samantha. He had made Samantha responsible for his feelings, so when she left, he felt like an abandoned child. His Source of love had gone away.

Because Frank knew how to love himself, he knew how to love others. Within a couple of years, Frank was in another loving relationship.

Gary found another relationship within six months of losing Samantha, and six months after that was again alone. Until Gary decides to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings and needs, he will likely continue to lose relationship after relationship, and continue to be stuck in feeling like a victim of the women in his life.

Acknowledge Your Depression

Depression is an illness and needs to be acknowledged as such. It is not a reason to be ashamed. The reason so many people fail to seek help for their depression is that they are ashamed. Unfortunately, this is one of the feelings associated with depression anyway and makes the illness difficult to acknowledge.

If you are constantly feeling particularly low, well-meaning friends might tell you to “snap out of it” or even start to get irritated by your mood. Your depression will feed off this negativity and you start to wonder why you can’t just “snap out of it”. You then start to feel that there’s something wrong with you because it should be so easy and it’s just “not right” that you feel so bad all the time. Well, it’s not right and there is something wrong with you. You have a medical condition and you deserve treatment in the same way as any other patient. If you had a cold for six months would you ignore it and hope it would pass? No, you would dose yourself up with anything you could find and maybe see a doctor to find out if there’s an underlying reason for it to last so long.

Depression is sadness that lasts too long. Everyone is sad at some point in their lives but depression is more than that. It is a feeling that you can’t bring yourself up from the bottom. In the end you give up trying. People start to avoid you. You feel worse. You need to find external help to treat the problem in the same way as you would if you had a long-lasting cold. You could try herbal remedies – there are some in your pharmacy – or you could see your doctor. There may be an underlying physical cause for your depression.

If your doctor cannot help you they may refer you for counselling. Don’t be embarrassed to go for counselling but do make sure you are comfortable with your counsellor. If not, try another one. Counselling should not be discounted because you don’t feel comfortable with your first choice of practitioner. In everyday life you will naturally find that you get on with some people and clash with others. You cannot afford to have a personality clash with your counsellor. On the other hand you must be sure that it is a personality clash and not just that you don’t agree with what they are saying. A general rule is to go with your instincts. If you like the person and seemed to get on well in the first couple of sessions then stick with it because they might just have touched on the root cause of your problem.

In some cases, acknowledging depression may be difficult because you have lived with it so long that you don’t know whether it is depression or not. If you have grown up with depression it is possible not to realise that you are actually depressed because you have no concept of how normal people should feel. You may feel angry all the time or you may feel like going to the middle of an empty field and simply screaming. You may feel anxious, have trouble sleeping or even sleep too much. You may think that your family would be better off without you (and actually believe that to be true) and may have considered running away or suicide. You may worry about death all the time (yours or someone else’s) and not let yourself be happy just in case…… (or even “I must enjoy this now in case………..”). If you are feeling any or all of the above then you need to consider talking to someone. Even if it is just a friend or family member to start with, they may be able to advise you and encourage you to seek professional help.

Once you have acknowledged that you have depression please remember that it is a medical condition and can be cured. You don’t have to feel this way for ever. Nobody actually thinks of you the way you think they do. Talk to someone. Seek and accept help and you will find that there is a different way of seeing life.

10 Proven Tips To Get What You Want!

Are you stuck?!

Are you trying hard to achieve your simplest dreams but you seem to be standing on the same square without moving a step forward?

Now, I will give you the super-smart proven success recipe that will help you get what you want faster and easier than before. This success recipe is your way to live a purposeful life and achieve your goals.

Get ready to unleash the power of your dreams.

1. Make Meaning!!

Make a meaning for your life and work. Do what you love and love what you do. Search for ways to live with passion. You are unique and you are here for a purpose. Find the reason of your existence. Describe your role in life in 3 or 4 words. Forget about these long, general and not memorable mission statements. Be very specific about what you are here to do in this life.


2. Have a Hot Vision!!

Have a HOT vision; a vision that really inspires you and triggers your greatness. Your vision must be clear and motivates you to transform it into reality. Make it hot. A hot vision gives you a tremendous amount of enthusiasm that makes you can’t stand still. Have a hot vision that keeps you alive and spices up your life. Have a hot vision that makes you an unstoppable achievement machine.

3. Design Milestones

Milestones are big goals and turning points in your journey. They are like indicators along the road to tell you that you are on the right track. Each milestone is a big achievement on your way to your ideal life.

4. Set Goals

Goals are small and specific tasks that define your action plan. Goals must be specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely. Each goal is a step towards achieving one of your big milestones.


5. Get Going

Take action. The only difference between an average individual and a super successful one is taking action. Get going. Take the first step and keep the momentum. Just start. Be flexible to changes and improvements.

6. Project Positive Energy

Be optimistic. Broadcast powerful positive energy and confidence over your own media network. Positive energy will attract positive results and opportunities. Become a magnet that attracts success 24/7. You will always receive the energy you project. If you project positive energy you will receive multiples of it and vice versa.

7. Act As If It Is Happening

Act as if your vision is happening. Act as if you will never fail. Act with confidence and power. Keep your vision in front of your mind’s eye day and night. Act as if you are living your vision. When you do that you will attract more opportunities and more success to your life.

8. Ignore the Doubters

Avoid negative people. They don’t have dreams and want everyone to be like them. They are dream robbers and energy vampires. Don’t care about what they say. Ignore anyone’s negativity and focus on what you want.

9. Face Fear and Uncertainty

Develop confidence and trust in yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself and your dreams no one will do. Face your fears. Fear will do nothing except stopping you from getting what you want. Let your dreams give you the power to face fear and uncertainty.

10. Create a Master Mind!!

Find a team with the same interests and dreams then work and think together. Have a soul mate who cares about achieving the same level of success as you do. Gather around yourself people more brilliant than you. Develop a strong network of influencers who can help you get what you want easily and quickly.

My friend, these 10 proven tips form the best success recipe I have ever known. I used this recipe to achieve levels of success that I always dreamt of. These are the common tips which are used by the top successful people in the world.

Follow this success recipe and you will become a huge success magnet that attracts success beyond your imagination.

It is all about your action. Do it now!!